Cradled

My time with Ralph was like nothing I had ever experienced.  I had been highly influenced by the Franciscans of the Catholic Church, namely Fr. Richard Rohr and Fr. Niblick.  The Franciscans have a unique role in the church and follow the teachings and example of St. Francis.  One of my big takaways was that God is in every thing.  My first big revelation of this fact (a fact I had heard since I was a kid, but didnt really get) was seeing God in Ralph.  The pure love that this animal had and the absolute perfection of every hair on his nose, was astonishing.  

Ralphie gets dressed up.

I recall the evening of my "God experience," I was in my dining room relaxing in a chair, contemplating the loss of closeness with my daughter that had been a effect of my divorce.  I remember the wisdom of Fr. Rohr from his book "Falling Upward" about allowing things to fall apart, not just a little, but really allowing yourself to feel all the catastrophe that was inside.  I sat in that chair, Ralphie on the floor next to me, and allowed all the sadness, dark and deep, to utterly consume me.  I didnt fight any of it, didn't get up to try and distract myself from my dark reality.  I was seperated from my daughter in a way I never thought was possible.  I didn't know if I would ever recover any of the slightest relationship that we once shared.  The thought of that loss was unbearable, and yet I was determined to sit with it, even lean into it, which eventually led to a falling with it.  I plunged into a dark and infinite abyss.  I remember the darkness most distinctly, recalling it now, words are hard to find.  I was falling, sinking, and allowing all the pain to be.......then it happened.......I was cradled.  

I use that word because it truely is the feeling.  Something was holding me up and there I was, suspended in the darkness, no longer falling, but being cradled.  I knew imediately that this was the God experience that I had always hoped for.  Here I was, 50 years old, a catholic my whole life, who always struggled in my head with the existence of God, being held up in my darkest moment, and knowing God.  I was not alone and I was part of something bigger.  The moment is truely indescribable, I hope that you understand this because you have experienced it, and if you haven't, I can tell you that it is worth every moment of the "dark night of the soul" to experience it.  That moment, that beautiful moment of everything being dark, lonely, and terrifying was such a tremendously powerful moment, that as I relive it, the tears flow.  They flow for the both the sadness and tradgedy that has been my life and all the beauty that God exists, loves us, and is everywhere for us.  The great contradictions of all the gospels started to make sense to me.  God wasn't on one side of things.  God was calling from all sides and I had to get out of my own way to see.  

Ralphie at home in Schererville

Ralph would continue to teach me so much about myself and from this moment on.  Our walks from now on would be these great God experiences.  I knew there was a God, I knew God was in all things, and knowing God present in Ralph, would allow me to see God in others, especially when they interacted with Ralph.  It was easier to see the God in people when they interacted with Ralph rather than myself becasue my ego was constantly at work, judging, postering, and looking to fullfill my agenda.  Ralph was the ultimate field leveler.  He allowed me to see others as human, with all the same fears, joys, weaknesses, brokenness, and desire to love and be connected as I.  Whenever I strayed from loving all those around me, mainly to make myself feel superior, Ralph was there, and with a look into his eyes, I would come back to my new understanding of the world around me.

Ralph was more than my dog, he was a mentor.  He showed me how to love and how to accept.  I miss him so greatly.  I can't explain our relationship, it probably seems very strange to some.  He seemed to impart so much universal wisdom to me that I swear he wasn't just a dog.  I miss our walks, they were great adventures in which we would meet many great people.  Strangers would talk with us and soon they would be confiding the strangest of things.  Our walks would include people sharing things with us that seemed rather personal.  Maybe on some level they knew that Ralphie would not let me judge them, or maybe they could sense that I was a new man.  

They say that baptisms are something that are supposed to be done many times in our life.  Baptisms are a renewal, they mean "to be dipped into."  To be immersed, or dipped into, is not a one time deal.  I had always faced God and my religion from the wrong side.  I was constantly negotiating something, feeling guilty or sad for not being enough.  I was finally beginning to find my own soul, my true essence, and I could not stop feeling like I was part of something good instead of someone who was constantly not enough.  I had been baptised as a young child and thought that it was an end.  Oh how I was wrong about this, I was also wrong about so many things that I thought about God.  I had bungled up God into our world of right and wrong, win and lose, and all of the small roles that we play and defend as worthwile.  We really should be baptised as older humans, and probably a few times, as becoming is a process, a lifetime of work and devotion, a journey with many roads and obstacles and certainly lacking any given map or destination.  

Ralph curled up by the door, moving boxes all around.
He wasn't going to get left behind!

I was finally set straight on my becoming, and Ralph was there in full support, somewhat seemingly to encourage me along.  It was like he knew of the transformation that was going on and he was pleased.  With my daughter going off to college, Ralphie and I would soon head back to my roots, to Flint, Michigan.  It would be in Flint, Michigan
that our journey would continue to amaze me.